My invincibility cloak

When I was a child, I had a phase when I thought I was never going to die and nothing tragic would ever fall upon me. I then later learned in psychiatric nursing that it is actually a part of a social development.  I watched gruesome news on TV about people dying and heard stories of a relative or a family friend battling debilitating diseases but I had not thought of those ever happening to me.

I felt extremely invincible.

You are supposed to outgrow putting yourself in a pedestal of strength and invulnerability. In some degree, I did.

Through the years, I haven't engaged myself to romance saved the many crushes I had from highschool and college. My romantic affairs were fairly limited to unrequited puppy love and a series of daydreams. I did have my heartbroken several times by crushes that never talked to me or denied my friend requests on facebook (stalker alert). But I had always comforted myself with the idea that the rejection was to be foreseen as they haven't known the real me and had they been able to just give me a chance to prove myself, they'll see beyond my curly hair and dark skin and will eventually realize that I'm a good catch, a weirdo with her Jurassic sense of humor. But until then, they will continue to see me superficially as my "love affairs" with them were limited to my creepy glances and fake group messages just so I can talk to them.

I thought I was also invincible in a real heartbreak.

Then I had my first real heartbreak.  Someone still broke my heart despite knowing the real me and even after I tried to prove myself. Then another heartbreak followed.  I was confident that they have seen beyond my curly hair and dark skin and that they have realized that I was a good catch. I thought they were okay despite me being a weirdo showering them with my eccentricity. But invincibility does not shield you from pain, it makes it cut even deeper.

I learned about vulnerability in the most humane way. The ache was too real and I slowly went down the pedestal.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

As a budding human being, I used to own a set of cassette tapes and a song book entitled “Most loved children’s songs”. It was gifted to me by my mother with the hopes that she could raise her little girl into a talented and charming lady who can sing. I almost memorized every song as I played the tape nonstop. I belted “Mary had a little lamb” and “The greatest love of all” like a pro. For a while, I honestly thought I was a good singer. Not until my seatmate in second grade had to shut me up while I was in the middle of a singing spree. She deliberately told me that I suck in singing and that she was annoyed that she had to put up with my irksome voice the whole semester. I thought she was just being mean. I went home and told my father about it and was disappointed with his confirmation that yes, I was (and still am) really bad at singing. This made me question myself, “Am I really capable of anything?”

We started in this life with positive ideas of who we are. Our first knowledge about ourselves was based on an internal radar that was programmed by our brain way before it got affected by external factors. Before social standards, culture and familial affairs directed our path, we all have a state of oneness that for me, was the most genuine form of peace that we so often chase as adults. We started seeing the world as labels. These labels then turned into divisions. These divisions became the pioneer for organized living but also became the building blocks for hierarchy and stereotypes.

(photo taken from Anna Akana's instagram account)

I first learned about how I looked way before I even learned how to look at myself in the mirror.  I was told that my hair was a mess and considered less of a hair because it was kinky. And by the standards set by the culture where I was growing up, kinky and straight hair do not belong under one category. They are both keratin growing in our heads but they are not the same. Fair skin and brown skin are also surprisingly, grouped in two different sectors based on the beauty standards that were mostly influenced by Western colonization and plain racism. My parents did their best to shower me with love but I eventually had to say hello to the outside world. So in kindergarten, I learned I was a brown girl with a kinky hair and that there were other kinds of girls with other kinds of hair and we are different. The difference was harmless before it was set as a tool for separation.

From childhood, we were slowly being wired to see things as group A, group B and group “whatever we would like to label things and people”. We begin to see ourselves through a vaguely tinted glass mirror. Things even became harder when we not only hear people telling us of who we are but we also have the media reminding us through every magazine and TV show that we are just “this” and we have to put on some of that matte lipstick and wear that top of the line shirt to turn into a decent mortal.

We are social creatures that thrive with every human encounter. We gain strength and wisdom from every conversation and acknowledgement that we get. Our hearts, however, our also fragile and extremely vulnerable for isolation, insecurity, comparison and self-doubt brought about by these encounters. We will inevitably feel inferior in this world that is built to make us question who we are. That is why it is important to be introspective. There is a reason why solitude and meditation are valued from the beginning of time. It directs us back to that oneness that we once had. It makes us see who we really are beyond the elusive tinted mirrors that were handed to us. Because with peace and love, there are no “this” and “that”. There are no unnecessary labels that will make us question ourselves and no markers set to divide humanity.

Random Facts About Saudi Arabia

If you plan on working in Saudi Arabia, here are some random facts you should know about the Kingdom.

  1.  It’s not entirely a desert.

When my mother was working in Saudi in the 90s and early 2000s, I have this idea that the hospital she was at was surrounded with dry land. I know that there were buildings and asphalted roads. However, I thought that when you look just a bit farther away, the desert would be visible. No. You will need to travel an hour or more to see the “sand”. I haven’t been to any other places outside my current city which is Riyadh. In here, you’ll be surrounded with high-rise buildings if you are located in the metropolitan area.

 2.  There’s an abundance of seafood.

The first question I asked my mother when I finally decided to work in Saudi was, “Will there be bangus (milkfish) over there?” Mama just laughed and told me Saudi bangus can get 50% bigger than the usual bangus we often buy in our town. There are lots of seafoods and I don’t know what the Arab water has but they’re ginormous.

 3.  You’ll eat chicken most days

When I was fetched from the airport, our Indian driver made a stopover in a local fast-food and ordered two broasted chicken. I haven’t heard of the term broasted before but it’s popular here. It’s basically just fried chicken. Filipinos also love to order “faham” or grilled chicken partnered with spiced yellow rice. My grocery also includes four to five whole chickens each month. The chicken industry wins.

 4.  There is winter

I arrived during the last week of February. On my first few weeks, I have to wear a  sweatshirt because it’s too cold. Winter was ending at that time. This month, winter is  starting again and I was told the cold is unbearable. It may not be as cold as the ones they  have in Europe and America but hey, I thought I was working in the desert. They said that  you’ll meet people in the streets covered with comforters. Talk about fashion.

 5.  Everyone looks the same most of the time

This is very obvious. You will mostly see black ladies. (Belated happy Halloween!) Every woman, even the non-Muslim has to wear an abaya (a black cloak) and a hijab (head cover up) at least. Most Muslim women though would wear a niqab so you’ll only see their eyes. The Muslim men wear thawb which is a long-sleeve dress that’s usually white. You’ll only see expatriates and a few Muslim men wearing civilian clothing.

There are lots of other interesting things that you should know about this country. But it’s already 5 am as I am typing this so I might just make another list when my eyes are not half way closed.

Horse With No Name

I went to the desert in a horse with no name… song keeps playing in my head. But yes, I went to the desert a few weeks ago.

I was planning to write about it but life got in the way. (“Got in the way” means my mind got in the way. My life is not that eventful considering my once every two weeks trip to the Filipino market is already considered as a mini getaway these days.) I've first seen the desert through movies like the gods must be crazy and the disturbing yet very eye opening Book of Eli. The nonexistence of almost anything other than rocks and a few plants is ironically, very nourishing to the soul.

However, for years, I’ve loved the endorphin spikes I get in living the “human” life in the heart of the cities that I’ve been. From grabbing a cab, finishing a bowl of instant ramen in 7 eleven, battling their way into the overcrowded train, strutting in their well-pressed shirts to prepare for that job interview that took them four long years in the university to get qualified for- everybody looks like they’re in there for something. Everybody looks like they’re fighting too hard for their dreams. Everybody makes it seem like life is this 10 mile marathon that you have to take as soon as you hear that gunshot that says, run!

That is probably why humanity finds relief in the presence of nature. We think that going out of town is an escape from the life that we imposed on  ourselves. So what we do is schedule regular trips to dip in the ocean, to hike the mountain, to thread the desert or to just be anywhere where trees exceed buildings in number. I have not yet found the best way to live my life so I certainly do not think that leaving the city to be a hipster is the better course to follow. But what I do know is that the human heart is happier and more at peace with its self in the presence of Earth in its natural form than it will ever be inside a concrete building.

I have never excelled in science and have not studied anthropology. But I have lots of questions about everything. I am a lazy ass and not too smart to go digging in my educational books for answers. What I often do though is stare blankly while a hurricane occurs in my brain every minute or two. I have so many disturbing questions that if asked to my parents or teachers or friends, would warrant me an admission to a psych ward or abomination from the tiny circle of friends that I have carefully crafted through the years.

I have read and heard about those who probably have the same unanswered questions as me but have found the courage to look for answers or to at least, accept that there are several possible ways to solve the equation and they just have to stick to the ones that give their heart its needed comfort.

I was meant to write about the desert. But the desert is too wide and mysterious that its scope goes beyond its physical stature. If I’m supposed to tell you one thing about the desert, it would be this- you’ll sit on a patch of sand and you’ll get to meet life.