My invincibility cloak

When I was a child, I had a phase when I thought I was never going to die and nothing tragic would ever fall upon me. I then later learned in psychiatric nursing that it is actually a part of a social development.  I watched gruesome news on TV about people dying and heard stories of a relative or a family friend battling debilitating diseases but I had not thought of those ever happening to me.

I felt extremely invincible.

You are supposed to outgrow putting yourself in a pedestal of strength and invulnerability. In some degree, I did.

Through the years, I haven't engaged myself to romance saved the many crushes I had from highschool and college. My romantic affairs were fairly limited to unrequited puppy love and a series of daydreams. I did have my heartbroken several times by crushes that never talked to me or denied my friend requests on facebook (stalker alert). But I had always comforted myself with the idea that the rejection was to be foreseen as they haven't known the real me and had they been able to just give me a chance to prove myself, they'll see beyond my curly hair and dark skin and will eventually realize that I'm a good catch, a weirdo with her Jurassic sense of humor. But until then, they will continue to see me superficially as my "love affairs" with them were limited to my creepy glances and fake group messages just so I can talk to them.

I thought I was also invincible in a real heartbreak.

Then I had my first real heartbreak.  Someone still broke my heart despite knowing the real me and even after I tried to prove myself. Then another heartbreak followed.  I was confident that they have seen beyond my curly hair and dark skin and that they have realized that I was a good catch. I thought they were okay despite me being a weirdo showering them with my eccentricity. But invincibility does not shield you from pain, it makes it cut even deeper.

I learned about vulnerability in the most humane way. The ache was too real and I slowly went down the pedestal.