New Chapter

I wondered why my clothes won’t fit me anymore. I had to take off my favorite bra because I was exploding and breathing became too hard and painful.

 I was pregnant and I honestly didn’t know how it happened.

I was pretty scared. My parents were okay about it but they weren’t completely thrilled. I was not yet married and a father didn’t show up as my tummy grew bigger and bigger each day.

Then I met this awesome guy.  He was actually cute. He fell in love with me. I really like him too. Then I showed him my big round tummy and looked him in the eye, 

“I’m having a baby, would you still love me?”

He stared at me. “Well that’s an exciting bonus. I still love you anyway.”

I didn’t cry. But my heart was exploding with strange wonderful emotions. Damn right, I was so happy.

Then I woke up at 8am. I rubbed my tummy. It was completely flat with little fats here and there.  It was aching because I wanted to fart but held it cause my roommates were still around. I did fart while writing this cause I am alone.  It was an awesome fart just in case you’re asking. Thank you very much.

My dream pretty scared the hell out of me while I was dreaming it. If that makes sense. I’m pretty convinced that whatever emotions we had in our dreams are real. That’s why I just have to write a blogpost to release whatever hint of anxiety that dream left me.

It was not literal but my dream was a weird parallelism of what’s currently happening in my life right now.

I quit my job.

I’m acting like I don’t care but I’m scared.  I don’t know what’s next.  Am I going to find another nursing job? I don’t know the answer.

If it’s just me, I would be completely happy to take one step at a time and learn and suffer and understand. 

But my parents are old. They’re on their 60s. I’m young. I’m 22. I’m supposed to explore and get hurt and explore and get hurt again. But my parents are getting weaker. They were okay with me quitting my job but they were not completely thrilled. It breaks my heart because I want to give them a beautiful life. 

I’m lost but I’m hopeful and I’m positive.

I Want You to Meet Someone

Connection is why we are here. Neurobiologically, that is how we are wired.

If I have to look back in my childhood, a great part of who I was, was formed through my ongoing need for connection.

I struggled for it.

The more I struggled, the more vulnerable I felt and the more fear grew in me. I feared rejection as much as I feared being left alone in the dark.

I battled for attention but I was brought up passively that my battles were mistaken as isolation and detachment.

That is how I learned to fight my battles. I learned not to be overly obvious of how I felt because people will only think of me as a child seeking attention. I did not want to be branded as a brat. I felt that being a nobody would somehow make people to like me a little more because I am not causing them any drama.

I grew passively and directed myself farther away from the connection I was seeking. I failed to find answers on why I was doomed to be unhappy.

I was a child and answers were hard to find when you cannot even comprehend the complexity of emotions swirling in your little, fragile heart.  I began to accept the most  logical explanation that I had at that time - I was better left alone.

Seeing other kids enjoying their flocks made me feel different. Though I have tried to change as I grew older, a little hint of my past indifferences still prevails.

The isolation I had for years did not damage the person that I am now. Yes, I am still an awkward  22  year old woman. I still question myself almost everyday of the things I do and why I cannot do the things I am afraid of.

But I have a steady relationship with myself.

I am loving her more day by day.

 I have grown to understand her through the years.

And I am proud of  her.