I Want You to Meet Someone

Connection is why we are here. Neurobiologically, that is how we are wired.

If I have to look back in my childhood, a great part of who I was, was formed through my ongoing need for connection.

I struggled for it.

The more I struggled, the more vulnerable I felt and the more fear grew in me. I feared rejection as much as I feared being left alone in the dark.

I battled for attention but I was brought up passively that my battles were mistaken as isolation and detachment.

That is how I learned to fight my battles. I learned not to be overly obvious of how I felt because people will only think of me as a child seeking attention. I did not want to be branded as a brat. I felt that being a nobody would somehow make people to like me a little more because I am not causing them any drama.

I grew passively and directed myself farther away from the connection I was seeking. I failed to find answers on why I was doomed to be unhappy.

I was a child and answers were hard to find when you cannot even comprehend the complexity of emotions swirling in your little, fragile heart.  I began to accept the most  logical explanation that I had at that time - I was better left alone.

Seeing other kids enjoying their flocks made me feel different. Though I have tried to change as I grew older, a little hint of my past indifferences still prevails.

The isolation I had for years did not damage the person that I am now. Yes, I am still an awkward  22  year old woman. I still question myself almost everyday of the things I do and why I cannot do the things I am afraid of.

But I have a steady relationship with myself.

I am loving her more day by day.

 I have grown to understand her through the years.

And I am proud of  her.