I personally don’t like drama. Maybe my subconscious likes it, thus, I “unknowingly” attract “tragic encounters” every now and then especially at times when I feel that life is a bore. But with my healthy state of mind, ego clashes and other nasty regression from me or others are a big no-no.
I tried to build a strong sense of self ever since kindergarten because I had to- no one would fight for me then with my mom away from home and my dad living the bachelor’s life. I hated showing my emotions or maybe, I had no reason to feel because I was secluded in my own little world. My childhood sucked but I grew up to be an okay adult and I’m proud of the grumpy little Ronida who managed to pull it off. But sometimes, the grumpy little Ronida pays a visit and I feel like a total asshole.
I love the feeling of vulnerability but I also equally despise putting my guard down. I don’t want people to see me cry but God forbid, I allowed myself, for numerous times to lose it in front of someone who I now realized, never cared because he was also wrapped around his own misfortunes. I like it when I feel both the good and the bad around me. It makes everything else unreal and intangible and what only matters is the whirlwind of shits and ahhhs inside me. Humans, such a nasty breed of the living.
#Ican'tunderstandmybrain
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