Excerpts from my 50-peso Diary

-2015-
How does humanity do it? Peace is nice and comforting. But sometimes, all I feel is fear. That overwhelming punch in my chest makes things real-death, loss, rejection, failure, loneliness. They're all in here, knocking everything inside my narrowed ribcage. That's more real than peace most days. And reality is what I was trained to believe in.

-6.2016-
I have weird or pathetic thoughts most days. I think everyone does but there's really no way we can tell the intensity of the madness each of us have. Too much whirling and banging going on inside my tiny skull. I had to consciously shut it off most days. I had to do some meditative breathing, chant my scripted pep talks and somersault across my bed for half an hour or more. It's even worse when the buzz comes while I'm basically expected to be civil. How civilized can a gaga be? But there's this bit in my craziness that likes to shout out my love out there- for everyone and for anything. I wanna give my little humans some tight hug even if they end up crying thereafter. I wanna tell everyone to have a good day. I wanna tell grandmas and grandpas that they're adorable and that I'm in love with the wisdom and light that shines through them. I wanna tell all my friends how this day is so much better because we shared some biscuits and tea together.  There's just too much in my chest but  I sometimes end up in silence and my selfishness, insecurities, the need to be "socially normal" take over and the love just goes straight out of the window, poof, gone. It's just me again and my awkward self. #heyneurosishey


-6.2016-
It feels like I had enrolled myself in a 2 year retreat here in Saudi. It's actually a pretty good deal considering I'm getting paid to learn about this life and all my angst. Everybody finds a way to be happy or for the very least, get comfortable in dealing with all the shit that's offered on their plates. It's also interesting how twisted things can be for the sake of finding happiness. 

-1.2017-
She told me that the scent of a pink bar soap brings up the hate out of his betrayal and the memories of the nights that they had cuddled in bed. I told her to just switch to the green dove which is lightly scented by fresh cucumber. For me though, the pink dove scent lets me travel back to my childhood when my mama would lovingly pamper me to bed at night post a warm bath. It brings lots of loving memories. My cousin gifted me a perfume for Christmas of 2013 that smells earthy with a tinge of sweetness and for me, it's the scent of love. It was then that I felt the giddy tweaks in my chest because butterflies were dancing in my stomach and the universe fills with all the amazing possibilities brought about by my love hormones on high. When I smell a musky scent, I think I'm falling in love all over again.

-1.2016-
I'm scared because we are silently scarred by young souls drifting away right in front of us. We are unconsciously weakened by little bodies we carry via canvas just before we take our early morning coffee. We are slowly drifting away from this reality by regrets brimming from the hearts of those that are left behind.

-6.2016-
We are all strange. We are all trying, some are actually battling hard, just to be happy and sane. We are all working on ourselves. But may we try not to hurt those around us while we strive to love this mess. And may we find the courage to take in our pride and apologize when we realize we did. May we be kind enough to offer forgiveness.  

-5.2016-
There are days when you have to force yourself to be happy. In between those days, you might even hate yourself for trying so hard while others seem to have it so easy (they don't). And that's okay. If you have to work hard for just one thing in this lifetime, choose happiness. Struggle for it, learn the tricks, get your bruises, fake it 'til you make it.