New Chapter

I wondered why my clothes won’t fit me anymore. I had to take off my favorite bra because I was exploding and breathing became too hard and painful.

 I was pregnant and I honestly didn’t know how it happened.

I was pretty scared. My parents were okay about it but they weren’t completely thrilled. I was not yet married and a father didn’t show up as my tummy grew bigger and bigger each day.

Then I met this awesome guy.  He was actually cute. He fell in love with me. I really like him too. Then I showed him my big round tummy and looked him in the eye, 

“I’m having a baby, would you still love me?”

He stared at me. “Well that’s an exciting bonus. I still love you anyway.”

I didn’t cry. But my heart was exploding with strange wonderful emotions. Damn right, I was so happy.

Then I woke up at 8am. I rubbed my tummy. It was completely flat with little fats here and there.  It was aching because I wanted to fart but held it cause my roommates were still around. I did fart while writing this cause I am alone.  It was an awesome fart just in case you’re asking. Thank you very much.

My dream pretty scared the hell out of me while I was dreaming it. If that makes sense. I’m pretty convinced that whatever emotions we had in our dreams are real. That’s why I just have to write a blogpost to release whatever hint of anxiety that dream left me.

It was not literal but my dream was a weird parallelism of what’s currently happening in my life right now.

I quit my job.

I’m acting like I don’t care but I’m scared.  I don’t know what’s next.  Am I going to find another nursing job? I don’t know the answer.

If it’s just me, I would be completely happy to take one step at a time and learn and suffer and understand. 

But my parents are old. They’re on their 60s. I’m young. I’m 22. I’m supposed to explore and get hurt and explore and get hurt again. But my parents are getting weaker. They were okay with me quitting my job but they were not completely thrilled. It breaks my heart because I want to give them a beautiful life. 

I’m lost but I’m hopeful and I’m positive.

I Want You to Meet Someone

Connection is why we are here. Neurobiologically, that is how we are wired.

If I have to look back in my childhood, a great part of who I was, was formed through my ongoing need for connection.

I struggled for it.

The more I struggled, the more vulnerable I felt and the more fear grew in me. I feared rejection as much as I feared being left alone in the dark.

I battled for attention but I was brought up passively that my battles were mistaken as isolation and detachment.

That is how I learned to fight my battles. I learned not to be overly obvious of how I felt because people will only think of me as a child seeking attention. I did not want to be branded as a brat. I felt that being a nobody would somehow make people to like me a little more because I am not causing them any drama.

I grew passively and directed myself farther away from the connection I was seeking. I failed to find answers on why I was doomed to be unhappy.

I was a child and answers were hard to find when you cannot even comprehend the complexity of emotions swirling in your little, fragile heart.  I began to accept the most  logical explanation that I had at that time - I was better left alone.

Seeing other kids enjoying their flocks made me feel different. Though I have tried to change as I grew older, a little hint of my past indifferences still prevails.

The isolation I had for years did not damage the person that I am now. Yes, I am still an awkward  22  year old woman. I still question myself almost everyday of the things I do and why I cannot do the things I am afraid of.

But I have a steady relationship with myself.

I am loving her more day by day.

 I have grown to understand her through the years.

And I am proud of  her.

Because We Need a Red Wine

Let's open some bottles of wine and dunk our fingers into choco cakes right now because we are celebrating the glorious fact that finally,

 I'm able to blog using my faithful Eee PC. 

Isn't that neat? 

I mean, I can blabber all I want and it's so easy because this keyboard where I'm typing right this nanosecond is much easier to circumnavigate compared to my phone's Swype keyboard.

 Are you enjoying my chatter? You're not? How could you!

Probably, to those who have been reading my previous posts, you will know that I have spent almost 4 months in a Korean tutorial school. 

That's four long months deducted from my whole existence. 

I just spent them inside a cubicle where only two small chairs and an extra small desk can fit in. But if you only know the glory of being in there,

 you would also love to be in my shoes. :) 

I've always been a sentimental biatch when it comes to goodbyes and drastic changes. I might spend a week or so contemplating how my life could move on after some major alterations in my life pattern. 

So when my students had to leave one by one,

 I kinda entered into an emotional wormhole where I cant' get up as early I used to because I felt that there's no more point in life. 

I felt my endorphin sunk to its lowest point when I started receiving goodbye letters. 

I became a coach potato every time I arrived home. Total slacker. 

I constantly checked my email, kakaotalk, Facebook, twitter and Instagram like a maniac every split of a minute. 

And you know what that meant? 

I was so unmotivated with reality that I sought refuge from the internet. 

That's humanity's downfall. 

So at 5 am last February 28, just a day before my last day at work, I did my routine of checking my email as if expecting a message from a Greek god. 

Then, this header woke me up. It entirely shook my mind and put me back to sane thinking.

My excitement almost reached the peak of Mt. Everest. I read the email from myself, exactly a year ago. It was a surreal experience and I'm encouraging everyone to try FutureMe.

The email I received was this:

Hey. Just wanna remind you that this week kind of drain everything from you.. 

1.) An average of 3-4 hours of sleep every night. Thesis deadline. Scrubs. Exams. Exams. 

*I cringe remembering this. I was a lifeless skeleton back then.

2.) You're here in   , back in teaching Koreans. 

**I met wonderful people in that place. But I'm just happy not being there anymore. It was a rat hole that made breathing hard. Leaving it made wonderful changes in my life.

3.) Three comprehensive exams that you haven't studied. 

*I DREAD EXAMS. ALL EXAMS.

4.) Today, you survived a presentation(NCA) with          . You were so anxious that you think you hyperventilated while talking about metabloic acidosis. But you ended well, less pressure than you expected. 

*Just reading this made my heart beat a little faster than normal. Oral presentations can kill me. Really.

5.)Your ******** adds pressure on you. They have too much expectations about a lot of things. Too much gossips. Too much behind the back comments that you probably don't want to hear. (And you are currently living with this thought "What other people think about you is none of your business." Keep that in mind always!!) 

**Keeping the detail private. It was kinda hard to live around people that showers you with negative vibes. 

6.)Your chatting w/ ********* again 

*One of my "dirty" little secrets. :)

7.) ********************************************* 

8.)************************************************

*8 and 9 are personal issues that I can't publicize.

9.)You're almost there. 1 month to go, you'll graduate from a course you were so unsure of 2 years ago. THE THOUGHT OF GRADUATING is what fuels you every passing day.

*I thank myself for the positivism. Sure thing it helped to keep me alive until now. 

I hope you are working as a nurse now and making your way to your dreams abroad. Love mama and papa. Keep those friendships, they're your treasure. Also, I really wish you did the WANDERLUST adventure. And make sure you don't forget your bucketlist. your journal. your plans for zen, for beauty, for happiness, for love. Keep it up. Life is wonderful, don't forget that!!!!!

**No. I'm not yet working as a nurse. No. My plans for the great wanderlust adventure were not materialized but I'm still working on them. They're just delayed for an unspecified time span. The rest are still ongoing. :)

***end***

Just like what Buddha said:

"Everything that has a beginning, 

has an ending. 

Make your peace with that 

and all will be well."

***Please visit my online shop:

The Cruise

I want to cultivate good vibes in my next post. However, due to the lack of spice in my current life cycle, I am forced to blog about the buzz I've been hearing in the news.

During the start of 2013, guns and blood became the mainstream in media. I consciously stayed far away from any source of news because I didn't want to get goosebumps. However, news are news and they are bound to be known.

My friend once tweeted:
"If you constantly keep track of Philippine news, you'll instantly win a ticket to a bad vibe cruise" ~ Reylan Garcia

It's a cruise anyone would dread to join. I hate guns and the delusional power that some individuals own once they possess them. I don't want to make a list of all the happenings. Lists tend to go on so I don't want to make a list of those dreadful events.


Instead, I pray for the families of everyone involved.

I pray that people would know how to use their brains to preserve human life.

I pray that anger and pride won't rule the hand that holds the trigger.
I pray that officials of every country would realize the worth of peace and humanity over power and wealth.

I pray that tomorrow morning, I'll see less death and violence in TV.

And I pray that people all over the world would utter the same prayers.

Peanut Butter on V. Day

I'll start with this simple line: "Happy Valentines Day to you!"

May you all be blessed with the gigantic love that everyone in this universe deserves. I hope that you know this but your worth extends way beyond bouquets of roses or carnations or whatever flower you prefer.

May couples see the sparkle of affection in their partner's eyes. May you know that you are both lucky to have someone with you in this day of chocolates and loveletters. May you radiate the love to those around you.

May individuals who won't be able to spend this day romantically find joy beyond romance. May you realize that not being able to cuddle someone today doesn't make you any less special. May you find genuine happiness seeing others in love and together.

Cultivate love and spread it like peanut butter on a warm toast. Love, love, love!!!

P.S. I received letters and chocolates this Valentines day and it's the first time. Thanks to my Korean students. Filled with love today.

Don't you just love my student? I'll try to not die WONDERFUL. But I don't know how I'll be able to die awfully. Haha k fine.

posted from Bloggeroid

No... I Think I'm Realistic

Let's see, once February ends, it would exactly be a year since my last encounter with a hospital chart (minus my IV therapy training which is a completely different thing). Excuse my medical jargons. Anyway, it's just that I'm missing the hospital. I miss hearing endorsements, comprehending doctor's orders and may my desires save me from doom, but I also miss straining my neck while regulating intravenous fluids.

I can't wait to be on duty as a nurse. I love my job right now and wish I could do both at the same time. I would miss kids like them:

posted from Bloggeroid

Realization combo

I'm a collector of words. Great words add butterflies and rainbows to my life and they make bitchy days more tolerable. I wanted to build a world of good vibes. It's a grand dream and I know the world is not always as sunny as I want it to be.

This is gonna be random. My brain is in a windmill right now. I'm supposed to be in my aunt's wake but things happened (well, I have a job). As I said this is random just like how people can randomly mess with your day. I had a good one an hour ago but some people are just destined to ruin something neat. Am I making sense? some people just don't care and it boils me up because I do. I care and appreciate kindness and selflessness, but some just don't get it.

I'm trying hard to think, act and feel better. That's why I stick to powerful words because during moments like this, words are the only ones that can make you feel less bitchy.

posted from Bloggeroid

Blogging with my phone....

And I am not sure if it's going to be okay... You see, android market holds good and bad things, but whatever.... Test...test....

posted from Bloggeroid